U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
