he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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