she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
