Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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