my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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