Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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