do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
