if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
