Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
