i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
