is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Jerry, you need to find god
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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