I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize