I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
