There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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