I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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