I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize