my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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