I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize