If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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