Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
