Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
