his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
