This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
