He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
