On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
