i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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