I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
