we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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