Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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