I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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