I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
