Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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