weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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