It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
