Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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