Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
