god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
