She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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