now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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