Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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