$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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