Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
