i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
