He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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