So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
