if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
