Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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