There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
