Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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