tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize