dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
