fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
