Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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