I haven't been this sober since birth.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize