Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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