you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
