i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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