so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
