I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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