why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
