I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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