Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize