Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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