I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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