Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
