god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you traded sex for a burrito?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize