True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
