im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
