Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
